Loving A Ham Sandwich
by Axletia Rosonetis
Summary: Jiraiya's new love interest isn't exactly normal. Rated M for language and...other things. Crack-fic, crack-pairing.


Loving a Ham Sandwich

_DISCLAIMER : The authoress does not own Naruto, and should never be allowed to do so if somehow the billion against one odds were in her favor, even if she begs and tries to kill bunnies with a chain saw. _

_Pairing : Jiraiya/Ham Sandwich_

_o.o I did this because I was inspired by a conversation at lunch the other day. My friend and I were discussing odd pairings. Even so....if you feel actual love for a sandwich....then I think I'd probably lmao. (Bad, Axy, bad.) _

_And so, read this at your own sanity. :3 _

* * *

" Naruto, look at her ! She has got to be the hottest babe I've ever seen ! "

Naruto and Jiraiya were once again in Konoha, walking around in a shaded area of a park. After passing many ladies who were sexy (or, at least that's how Jiraiya perceived them), crapping pigeons, and several rabid Sasuke fangirls, the elder of the group stopped them at a bench. He pointed to the person who was sitting proudly on the seat.....

.....or rather, an object.

" Um, Sensei....." Naruto said reluctantly, running his hand through messy blonde hair. " That's a ham sandwich. "

And indeed a ham sandwich it was. A pink body clothed in two pieces of white bread, a slip of Swiss cheese, a skirt of fresh lettuce, and two cheeks of tomato slices, the sandwich seemed to be perfect in both taste and appearance. Somehow, Jiraiya was oblivious to the fact that ham sandwiches cannot look hot, though, as his cheeks turned a blushing scarlet and his hand smacked Naruto against the head. " Well, Naruto, not _everything_ has to appear like what you think a woman should look like ! " he retorted haughtily. " In my three years of teaching you, I don't think you've learned anything ! Yes, that may be a ham sandwich, but that's the best ham sandwich I've seen in forty years ! She-.....She's _perfection_. "

Silence consumed the two guys for a few seconds before Naruto touched a Post-It note that was attached to the top of the sandwich. " Property of Akimichi Choji, " he read slowly. " Take the sandwich, and you shall receive brutal pain. "

The blonde-haired boy sweatdropped and stared at his senior, who was already advancing from gawking at the ham sandwich to sitting next to it. It was always the hardest thing to do - breaking the morbid news to an old man that he couldn't spend time with his new-founded beloved - though, sometimes it could also be a hilarious thing to do, depending if you wanted to humilate one of your friends.

Unfortunately, Naruto's prankster and humilation days were over for him. Now that the boy had friends, he could no longer break heartbreaking news without feeling guilty, but this news had to be broken.

" Sensei.....that ham sandwich belongs to Choji....."

The old man looked up from the sandwich, glared at Naruto with unimpressed eyes. " So ? "

" He'll inflict pain. "

Jiraiya chuckled, sounding like a mediocre vacuum cleaner. He stood up, shaking his right hand in a swiping motion. " And that's supposed to scary me ? " the man asked in an unbelieving tone, scoffing. " I'm a Sannin, Naruto. I once held Orochimaru's underwear for ten minutes. I'm not afraid of anything. "

o.o " ....._Brutal_ pain....."

A massive hand took the sandwich in itself, squeezed it gently.

" Brutal pain from _Choji._....."

" Mm-hmmmm....."

A finger brushed against the sandwich, caressing the crust around the bread.

" Uh, Sensei ?......"

The sandwich was grabbed by the other hand, lifted to mouth level, barely touched lips.

And........

**_" WHAT THE _FUCK _ARE YOU DOING, PERVY SAGE ?!! "_**

Tongue went back into mouth, ham sandwich went into deep pockets. Jiraiya placed a smile on his face and rubbed Naruto's back. " Nothing. Shall we get back to our training ? "

" _Were you making out with that ham sandwich_ ? "

" Uh.....no......"

Naruto stared at Jiraiya with blue eyes that were practically popping out of their eye sockets. The older male chuckled nervously. " No, " he repeated, sweat sliding out of his pores. " Wh-D- I'm not like that. I wasn't doing what you're thinking...."

" But wasn't that your tongue flicking outta the sandwich ? "

". . . . . . . _SHUT UP !_ "

-poof!-

" Uzumaki ? Where did my sandwich go ? "

Choji glanced right through Naruto with slitted eyes. The blonde-haired boy gulped. Brutal pain from the chubby-cheeked Choji seemed to be the worst kind of pain of all in Konoha.

_**" DAMN YOU, JIRAIYAAAAAAAAAAAA ! "**_

* * *

(Meanwhile......)

" I never thought that I would find such perfection in my lifetime. I've been with a lot of floozies. "

The ham sandwich laid on a fancy napkin, which laid on the pillow, which laid on the bed of the motel. Jiraiya was only wearing his ninja headband and boxer shorts decorated with printed frogs.

He smirked, gazing at the sandwich with utter lust. Flexing while trying to hide his slightly pudgy belly, Jiraiya jumped onto the bed and smacked the top slice of bread off of the sandwich. Anybody with even a stupid mind could tell the old man that this was inhumane, wrong, beyong wrong, frightfully sickening, and downright dirty, yet this pervy, old man didn't care. He was going to have sex with a sandwich, and nobody could tell him otherwise.

Down went the shorts. Jiraiya crept up to the pillow and practically shoved the sandwich inside of him. The grunting and moaning only came from one of the participants, silence coming from the other participant. The bed shook with a mighty force, actually moving a couple of centimeters to the left. Everything was going well, excellent, dirty - just the way an old man with a ham sandwich fetish imagined it.

And then a frog woke up from his sleep and swallowed the ham sandwich whole, yanking meat and all out of the Sannin.

" Mmm. I love ham sanwiches, " the orange frog said, licking away the last of the tomato slices. " Thanks, Jiraiya. "

" Uhhhhhhh.........."

" Were you making out with that sandwich ? "

Jiraiya stood silent before pressing his face into the pillow where the ham sandwich once laid. He started to scream and bawl loudly. " _DAMN YOU, GAMAKICHIIIII ! YOU ATE MY ONE TRUE LOOOOOOOOVE !_ "

Gamabuchi sweatdropped. " Uh, you could've said no.....uh.....I'll just go back to the Chief. "

-poof!-

And there the Pervy Sage, otherwise known as Jiraiya, learned a very important lesson for years to come.......

Frogs suck.

End


End file.
